A Beautiful Surprise

So it’s the day after Christmas and I’m still pissed.

He’s beside me snoring and I’m writing you. Not a great combo, but this it is what it is…

So my present turned out to be more costume jewelry from who knows where. Will it turn green in a month? Probably.

My standard is not costume jewelry from my boyfriend/husband hopeful. Is he nuts? This is has gone far enough. My mom turned up with a gold bracelet and a navigator. Can you believe it? He turns up with costume jewelry. Then to top it all off, he picks up some random Kore.ean cosmetics to go along with it. He has no clue of this, but they put whitening in all of their products. My goal really isn’t to whiten my skin. Thanks? What the hell?

I really want to tell him without sounding like a bitch. But I don’t know how. I’m expecting an engagement ring any day now. I’m starting to wonder if this guy is way too broke or frugal for me to take seriously at all. Even the XXX gave great quality gifts that showed he spent some money. Gifts that outlasted us actually. So how can we fix this? I don’t give cheap gifts. I guess I should have known this day would come when I got his a Gue.ss watch for our anniversary and he got me a book he made online. Now that was sentimental, but something should have told me to add something to that bag. Maybe the VS lingerie I’ve been asking for for like six months or even roses or something to sweeten the deal.

I think I’m making it too easy for this man. I’m screwing his brains out. I’ve got him living here. He’s cozy as heaven. I’ve made it too easy and now what am I supposed to do? I’m really, really pissed off with myself. I really didn’t want to go down this road of disappointment again. But here I am… Now what?

Yes. It has been a minute. But in a way it’s a good thing.

Let’s face it. You know I do most of my writing when I’m really pissed off. I haven’t been really pissed off in a while.

That’s good, right? Until today. On Christmas and Christmas Eve, too. He thought it would be fun to play a trick on me and pretend he didn’t get me anything. Kind of like he did last year. Whatever he bought didn’t arrive until two weeks after Christmas. It wasn’t a good look at all. And to top it all off, I didn’t even see him on Christmas which he says is due to the snow. Not buying that either.

But here we were in a great space. Just back from our romantic Caribbean cruise. And voila! He starts acting crazy. I’m in a really funky mood and now he’s cleaning the house I started cleaning until he came around and saw me cleaning. I feel like he ruined Christmas. I know I shouldn’t be this sensitive, but what he did seems really insensitive. Almost like he thought last year’s fiasco was funny. Then he woke me up at 5 a.m. with his snoring. Pissed, pissed, pissed. And I went to bed with a vodka enriched egg nog. So you know I was in a good, good place. Maybe I should have eggnog this morning, too. Mmmmm.

I think what’s really bugging me is that I’ve been going through a lot of family drama. Not speaking to my psycho-sister, my older brother tripping constantly, and trying to appease my parents. It’s a lot. The last thing I need is for my personal life to start slipping. He is just wrong and this situation is far from funny.

Right now the worse area is work. Working for the she-devil is giving me a dead-end feeling. It’s already clear that I won’t be growing in this position. What’s not clear is how I’m supposed to find the stamina to move forward while being there. I still lack discipline and I feel it’s held me back my whole life. I think this is the sole reason I’m not a billionaire right now. It’s frustrating and annoying. I know I hold the key to my own prison. How do you teach yourself discipline? I need to look that up.

So much going on in my world right now. I’m taking it all in stride–step by step though. I know Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither is my emancipation. But I do need to stay grounded–especially during the holidays and all the craziness that comes with them.

Help me, L.or.d.

So where were we?

I remember where I used to be and how I used to feel. I had a moment yesterday when I went to the doctor. I remember when I first moved back from LA. I told my mother that things hadn’t worked out for me. More importantly, that my life didn’t work. It was a hurtful feeling. I felt I had worked so hard for no reason. And here’s the kicker– I was getting nothing back. Yesterday, I realized how things have changed immensely. I realize how much love I have in my life.

This year has been a whopper of a year! A year filled with transitions and swift changes that have turned my wold inside out -in a good way. I’m happy. I’m in love. I’m in like…

He has left the nest. Can you believe it? Yes, he has. It hasn’t been very easy to adjust to the changes we’ve made. Well, truthfully loving each other has been easy. It’s the details that have been more challenging. I’m a hopeless romantic and I want flowers, cards, candy, great sex, nights out on the town— all of it. He wants me to be patient with the process. I’m trying.

We are definitely praying together. God has blessed us so much. We have a church that’s right down the block and we pray every single day or at least try to…I still can’t believe that he’s in my life sometimes. The way he loves me and looks after me is really amazing. I am his first priority. He watches me to see that I’m ok. Even when my face is all broken out (like now) and I know I am far from cute, he still seems to think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. We laugh together and share intimacy. I always loved the way he gets my jokes. He thinks everything I do is cute…even when I am annoying.

Does he annoy me? Yup. When he gets too quiet and I’m waiting for him to answer. His TV/Film viewing choices are horrible to say the least. And he’s still learning how to man up and try new things. But other than that– he’s perfect. LOL.

So my life has changed. Love has changed everything. I truly feel that God has blessed me with the desires of my heart. I expect things to get better and better and better and better.

I haven’t forgotten you. Muahhhh! 

Clearly I made a mistake about him.

He is a man boy or boy man. He is unable to leave the freakin nest. Unable and unwilling.

I am beyond irritated with him and I really want him to leave. Leave in the middle of the night…leave. Instead, he is on my couch sleeping like a child. Instead of communicating with me and expressing his truth- he makes statements about me helping him! Can you imagine?? Since when do men expect women to bail them out of financial problems? When was the last or first time he bailed me out of financial anything?

First he refuses to buy me roses that cost 4.99. Then he takes his lame ass cookies out of here without sharing. Then he drops the big one on me. He won’t really be moving in after all. He’ll be paying bills at his mama’s house and moving in here taking up my space, using my gas/electric, and getting laid for free.

Hell to the NAH! He needs to go back home to his controlling mama! She never really planned for him to leave and she’s about to get her wish. Because this is some b.s. Maybe I was really wrong about this dude…it won’t be the first time.

Things seems to be going from bad to worse.

So that’s my wedding theme.

Even though today I’m definitely in a "Don’t **** with me" kind of place. My dad’s not feeling well and won’t do too much about it. I’m tired, but can’t really get to sleep and I’m still in a bit of a funk over last night’s dinner with the family. I didn’t really feel like I fit. There was this barrier and I’m a little worried about how we’ll be able to merge this family unit. Sigh.

However, I know that in God’s timing and plans everything is perfect and purposeful. I’ve got my skin issues on my mind and my period came a week early. I’m glad to see it, but with the added cramps I’m in a bit of a funk. That said, try adding that in with the added pressures of transitioning living with a man. Yeah. Whateva.

I’m hoping to have a great week that includes a great therapy session with some Divine person. So much going on in my life sometimes. And Lord, please let these folks take the dayum rent money. I mean…dayum. This is ridiculous.

I know feelings aren’t facts and sometimes you have to go through something to get to the peaceful place you have always dreamed of…I just need an extra dose of love, understanding and Divine goodness today and this whole entire week. Inhale. Exhale.

Dear Heavenly Father,

You have blessed me with another day. You have blessed me with another morning.

Another opportunity to come before your throne of grace and give you the praise. You have been so good and you are so worthy of my

all. Thank you. Thank you for carrying me through the week. Thank you for teaching me your ways. Thank you for blessing me with

unspeakable joy in spite of myself. Thank you for letting me rest and thank you for allowing my cup to overflow.

Lord, you are almighty and powerful. I praise your name without hesitation or confusion. I command my morning to fall in full alignment

with your perfect will. I celebrate your love and I embrace all you have yet to show me. I love and appreciate you, Father. I admire your

ways and I ask to be more like you. Thank you for my Beloved and thank you for our bond. Thank you for meditation and thank you for

the new friendships you are sending our way. Thank you for blessing us as a couple and individually as well. Thank you for peace that

passes all understanding. Thank you for healing within my family and within my mind. Thank you for a beautiful day, Lord.

I’ve always known believed the quote, "To love another human being is to see the face of God." I’ve always believed that there is a lot of truth in that statement. After a week of rough, my beloved brought my calm. I couldn’t even find a way to calm down on my own- so he plotted the chart with me and guided me there. I woke up in a place of worry and fear. I went to sleep that night in pure peace and optimism.

Sometimes I feel I say ‘thank you’ and ‘I love you’ too much. I just want him to know how much he means to me and how happy I am that we have found the peace of God in one another. I don’t take it lightly. He isn’t a novelty to me. He is someone who seeks to understand. He has so many qualities that I love to emulate. My hope is that he is also seeing the Divine in me and growing from this as well.

Lord, you are truly amazing. What you have given me is more than I could ever ask for or imagine. You have given me the desires of my heart and then some. I can envision our beautiful home and our beautiful family and our peaceful life together. Thank you for helping me to place things in perspective. Your perfect will resides over every area of my life, thoughts, dreams and desires.

Thank you for blessing my brother. Thank you for the sacrifices he makes for us. I know you see the greater purpose that moves past all the pain. Help us to see past the sadness and embrace all of the love, hope, blessings you have created for us to enjoy both now and forever. Amen and bless God.

My intention for today is to travel in Safety and Divine LOVE. My intention is to allow God and my protective angels to be heard through me as me and for the perfect will Of God to unfold in the very best way. Perfect outcomes, perfect attitudes, perfect thoughts permeate my life this day and always. Amen. Thank you, God!

It’s the stormy weekend. I’ve been inside all week, but my Beloved has been here with me.

I love him and there have been so many moments when I’ve been present with him this weekend.

We celebrated our one year anniversary last week. I can’t believe it’s been one year since we fell in love. I thank God every single day for his grace and mercy. We spent the day meditating, he made breakfast, we watched a movie and then he passed out. LOL.

I just love and appreciate the fact that he’s here. The fact that he has my back. The fact that I keep finding new things to love about him. So here we are in love and in like. I’ve got love all over me. And you know what? It feels great!! I’m looking forward to the next chapter in love and in life. I praise God for all of the blessings He is allowing me to experience. God—You are AWESOME!!!!!!

So his mom went off on me…again.

And again he just stood by and watched. Hell–this time he even took a nap during her breakdown or after her breakdown.

I just don’t know how I feel about him these days. I feel kind of funny. I wanted someone who had a positive relationship with their parents—not someone who allows their parents to control them and abuse the woman in their lives.

So now what? Is he a man or is a mouse?

I’m asking you because you been in on my dream the whole time. I want someone who loves me, allows me to love them, and I also want someone who stands for something. Stand for something– stand up for us–fight for us–respect what we are creating together.

I don’t know how I feel right now. I’m kind of on the fence with this whole love thing. I want things to work, but I also want to be perfect, whole and complete. Right now, I’m feeling that a confrontation might be needed to discuss the issues between his mother and I. I wonder if he’s willing to stand up. Is he willing to go beyond his comfort zone and truly man up to be someone’s husband.

I’m not b.s. in’ around anymore. Either she is going to be checked, or she is going to destroy our relationship. I can’t fight by myself. So now what? All I can do is ask the angels and go to God. Only He can fix this…

Can I trust that my relationship is worth the effort?

Is he willing to be open and honest with me?

Is he willing to change for himself first?

I just don’t know anymore…

Can I send my rent check in early? I mean, really!

It is such a huge blessing to be on my own and blessed and highly favored of the Lord.

I am so grateful that love is all around me and I’m grateful that Je.sus is my source and my supply.

What can I say? I see myself married to a wonderful man and a wonderful career and life I love wholeheartedly.

For now, I am so happy that God loves me enough to keep my family and give me more than enough. I have never been happier to pay for something so incomprehensible. It’s amazing! I truly love God.

When I think of all the times I’ve written and cried and written and cried…I’m speechless. You’ve been right there all along. What’s the difference?